Decisions
2007-12-17 :: 3:46 p.m.
WOAH, I feel weird writing in here again, it's been soooo damn long and I feel soo freaking OLD, but it's ok, I still enjoy writing, especially about myself, jk...
A lot has changed since my last couple of entries, it has afterall been a couple of years or so... I became a Loan Officer for some company that ended up ripping me off, but I got a $15,000 check for one pay period so it was well worth it. I am now a MANAGER at a marketing, mortgage lead generation service doing really well in the job department, for once so wooohooo!!!!!!!
I live with my old boyfriend Joey again, we live in an awesome apartment in Costa Mesa, with our adorable little yorkie puppy He gave to me as a present. I think he actually got it for me because we couldn't stop arguing and I kept crying and running away trying to break up with Joey. See maybe I should start from the beginning...
We lived together 2 years ago, in Laguna Beach in a BEAUTIFUl house right on the beach, everything was soooo perfect, except for his drug problems. He has a coke addiction and now has added oxycotin to the mix, he does both EVERYFUCKING DAY, he goes to school to be an architect, and gets A's (when he turns in his work) he is constantly procrastinating, waits til the last day and works the entire night to finish something that's supposed to take 1 week to finish, he doesn't work, all he does is sell drugs to make money, and it sucks because it makes him GOOD MONEY, he pays for all of our stuff, 2 huge flatscreen tv's, rent, phone, cable, internet, food, dog stuff, house supplies, he pretty much pays for everything. WHICH FING SUCKS sometimes because I can't really complain since he takes care of eveerything. I work a 9-5 EVERY FUCKING day, and don't get paid half as much as he does... That's just the beginning, as of lately, I pretty much have just given up. I no longer try to change him and make him a better healthier him not just for me but for him, but I GIVE UP, he starts yelling at me and insulting me whenever I try to tell him to stop. There's really no good way to approach the whole thing, JOEY PLEASE STOP I LOVE YOU AND I SEE HOW ITS AFFECTING YOU!!! YOu think you're stomach hurts bc of something else?? NO you can't stop shitting, and you can't sleep and night, and you're always in a bad mood and you constantly yell at me AND YOU NEVER EVER WANT to have sex with me and I THINK - IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THE DRUGS YOU DO!!! I LOVE YOU but I FUCKING HATE the drugged up version of you :(, and I hate saying that like I need to change you, like you're not good enough, like I'm better than you to pass judgement on you and your choices, it's just that It makes me sooo sad. When my mom keeps asking what's wrong with you, why you're soo skinny with those big bags under your eyes, WHAT DO I TELL HER!>?!?!?! Why doesn't your dad do anything?!?!?! I KNOW HE KNOWS!!! WHY THE FUCK DOESN't YOUR MOM??? Why are we all so afraid of you and your temper???
I NEED SEX SOOOO FUCKING BAD, I used to have it at least 1 a day from my ex, evan when we were arguing or fighting, the last time I had sex with Joey... I DON'T EVAN REMEMEBER :( I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it, I AM A 28 yr old PRETTY GIRL WITH A SMOKIN HOT BODY, and I have a boyfriend that supposibly loves me, but hasn't had sex with me for over 3 months maybe 4. And he doesn't evan care, I'm the one that keeps asking him what's wrong but he gets all mad. Makes me out to be a slut or something, HOW AM I A SLUT?? WE ARE BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND, we've been together for almost 4 years, WHY WON'T MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND HAVE SEX WITH ME!?!?!?! It sucks that we can't evan talk about it he just gets soo angry, and says it's my fault for asking the way I do, because i keep telling him that I'm gonna go get sex somewhere and somehow, weather he's there or not. which brings me too....
This guy K, he's soo yummy. And he likes me and he's good in bed, and so I feel like I don't need to deny myself pleasure because society has told me to be loyal to 1 guy, and I've tried breaking up with him and he won't let me, I've tried begging him for sex, but he wont give me any... WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO??? FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING A SEXUAL BEING??? THIS SUCKS, I've never had to deal with this.... It's usually the guy that has to beg the girl. Is this normal?? Does anyone else have something similar?? Should I stay with Joey and not have sex with K??? Or should I tell everyone to go fuck themselves, and just follow my heart, and relieve some stress, give my face a natural glow, and have a good time??? FUCK IT, I only live once right???
